The Grand Tour: Fife and Beyond

Ramblings of an inveterate cyclist

This letter popped into my in-box and I found it so funny, (but alas true) that I had to pass it on. It is a mixture of fact and fiction. The electoral figures and results are all factual.

Dear Nicola,

The Union would like to place on record our deep appreciation for the SNP strategy of BOTH VOTES SNP.

Where would we be without your help and support?. A lot poorer for a start, with fewer MSP’s, offices closed across the land, staff made redundant. Yes your strategy is the best news we could hope for. Particularly when you are planning to do so again even after that troublemaker Alex Salmond has launched that Alba Party thing. You know that Party we are all working together to stop, Unionist and SNP alike, to keep them out the debates and out the MSM altogether (unless any of us have a bad news story about them, nudge, nudge). Who would have thought it, here we have all this common interest? Who says the Scots can’t work together Nicola, Ruth, Douglas, Humza, Murdo all working together, marvellous?

Let’s look what is being achieved. Well from an SNP Point of view, you guys must be enjoying being the darlings of the Brit Media. Bet you never saw that coming. It’s a luv-in on the Record, Daily Mail, Herald for you Nicola. You know something, I don’t think it’s got anything to do with the £3 million pounds of taxpayers money you gave the media, no I think it’s a genuine appreciation of how good you are at staving off calls for a referendum. 2023 is it now? Can’t be easy, but the cult idea was a good one, a set of young attack dogs to set on anyone who demurs from your announcements. How you  get away with insisting there can’t be a referendum because of the pandemic, as part of your election campaign, while everyone goes to the polls next month is just fabulous. General Election no health risk, Indy Ref lethal to organise during a pandemic. Where do you get public health advisors like that? 

If Boris tried that line there would be a Revolution but you can pull it off no problem. The nodding dogs behind you just all nod in unison. Good enough for Nicola. Good enough for them. Just keep the salaries rolling in. We can all agree about that!

Let’s have a run through the regions, see what happened last time and what we can expect this time, nearly said all things being equal, but there is no way that will happen as long as you guys stick with the both votes SNP DEAL.

Let’s start with the West of Scotland. It was a cracker,  the SNP got 136,000 list votes. It was NOT enough under the rules, our rules, to win you a single seat. No instead 72,000 votes elected 3 Labour MSP’s and another 72000 votes elected 3 Tory MSP’s. For good measure just 17000 votes elected  1 Green MSP. Union 6 Indy 1?

Was much the same in Mid Scotland and Fife 128000 SNP LIST VOTES was not enough to win you even a single seat instead 73000 Tory list votes elected 4 TORY MSP’s and 51000 Labour list votes elected 2 Labour MSP’s as well. Less than 18000 Green list votes secured 1 Green MSP into the bargain Union 6 Indy 1?

Over in the Lothians 118,000 SNP LIST VOTES elected ZERO SNP MSP’s. It was a tight race with the real votes, you know the ones that have not been devalued until they are worthless. 75000 Tory list votes elected 3 TORY MSP’s, 68000 Labour List votes elected 2 Labour MSP’s while the Greens won the jackpot with only 34000 votes electing two Green MSP’s. You guys really deserve a lot of praise for the tolerant way you are happy to see all your votes binned. Not sure we could do it! Union 5 Indy 2?

Over to Scotland’s biggest city now Glasgow. Here 110,000 SNP LIST VOTES failed to elect a single MSP. ZERO again, sorry but that’s the rules. Labour had a field day here 59000 Labour list votes elected FOUR LABOUR MSP’s. 30000 TORY LIST VOTES ELECTED TWO TORY MSP’s and 23000 Green List votes returned 1 GREEN MSP. Union 6 Indy1?

Central Scotland next. This is a really good one. 129,000 SNP LIST VOTES DELIVERED Zilch, nada, zero again. I must say this was my favourite because 67000 Labour list votes DELIVERED 4 Labour MSP’s and a mere 43000 delivered 3 TORY MSP’s. I hope you noticed that the combined vote of Tory and Labour here was LESS than the SNP total but it delivered 7 Unionist MSP’s  while the pro Indy side got Zero. Did I mention this to you? Both votes SNP FOLK ARE GREAT, JUST GREAT! Union 7 Indy 0

To the North East now. Great performance with 137,000 SNP list votes being shown to be worthless electing ZERO SNP MSP’s. Never mind it can be cold up here and the ballots kept the fire going while we counted the real votes. That result delivered 86,000 list votes for the Tories, electing 4 TORY MSP’s, 39000 Labour list votes electing 2 Labour MSP’s and 18000 Lib Dem list votes electing a single Lib Dem MSP. So they need to be grateful for your strategy as well. I think it’s fair to say the Union gratitude for your both votes SNP STRATEGY is genuinely all Party. Union 7 Indy 0

Now we are closing in on the really exciting bits of the country where the UNION are confident we can make some GAINS on the list. Let’s take Highland first. Last time 81000 SNP List votes elected 1 SNP LIST MSP. 44000 Tory list votes elected 3 TORY MSP’s, 23000 Labour list votes elected 2 Labour MSP’s and just 14000 votes for the Greens elected 1 Green MSP. Can’t see that happening this time. Current constituency polling shows you way up on last time, so we have this Region down as one of the two where the Union expects to make list gains! How exciting is that? We confidently expect to reduce the SNP TO ZERO ON THE LIST and bring you into line with the rest of the country. Union 5 Indy 1 Indy? 1

Finally we arrive at South Scotland. Last time 120000 SNP list votes elected 3 SNP LIST MSP’s. 101,000 Tory List Votes elected 2 Tory MSP’s and 56000 Labour list votes elected 2 Labour list MSP’s. Union 4 Indy 3

Personally I wouldn’t want to change this as I recognise that you need one region where you can point too, and show some SNP LIST SUCCESS IN. It’s important and I love how you use this South Scotland list success to justify the two votes strategy everywhere else, when we all know there is not a snowball’s chance in hell of it working anywhere else. My fear is that the constituency polling could put at least two of those list seats in jeopardy, maybe all three. What would we do then at the next contest? It’s a big worry. If you guys could just pull back your efforts in a few constituencies down there it might allow the status quo to continue. Too much to ask? Consider it Nicola at least, you might see the advantages.

Now if there is anything we can do to help don’t hesitate to ask. We recognise this current system could fall apart if voters catch on to the very dangerous ALBA party message which exposes how vulnerable the Union would be under, if voters, especially your voters, start realising the huge advances that could be made if they were to swap to Alba with their list votes. We must work hard to make sure that never happens. No worries about the BBC they know what to do. Whatever you do don’t mention UKIP, that Farage was all over our screens when he didn’t have a seat anywhere. Don’t worry we can say that was an English decision made in London. Nothing to do with BBC JOCKLAND..

For these reasons I am marking this message top secret and putting our top agents in charge to make sure it reaches you safely and doesn’t fall into the hands of those pro Indy bloggers, you know the ones Salmond has set up as the NEW MEDIA GROUP. THAT WOULD BE A DISASTER.

LETS BOTH LIE LOW UNTIL THIS IS OVER AND WE CAN CONTINUE AS BEFORE. THAT’S WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT. The UK government endorsement for whatever job you are looking for at the UN is in the bag. Just let us know when. Not too soon I hope.

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